An Alien's Guide to Making a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

What you need:

1 loaf of pre-sliced, pre-packaged, unopened, already baked whole wheat bread from a supermarket

1 unopened 12 ounce glass jar of grape jam

1 unopened 12 ounce plastic jar of creamy peanut butter

1 unopened package of dinner knives

1 dinner plate

What you need to do:

1. Learn English.  American English might be best as Normal is in the United States.

2. Use your alien navigation technology to find Normal, IL, Latitude 40° 30' 51.13"N, Longitude 88° 59' 26.27"W

3. Use your currency converter to get US dollars.  Earth banks will not be able to convert your money.

4. Use your transport device to put yourself at the location given in step two.

5. Ask for directions to the local grocery store and go to said store.

6. Take a cart in which to place your items.

7. Ask for directions of each item needed and go to said locations, placing the listed items in the cart.

8. Go to checkout.

9. Place items on belt to have cashier scan each item.

10. Pay the cashier for the items.  Give him/her either exact change or more than given total.  Reminder: Be sure to wait for receipt and change (if applicable).

11. Go back to your spacecraft with your purchases.

12. Go to your kitchen and place items on the counter right side up.

13. Remove the dinner knives and plate from their packaging.  This includes any cardboard, plastic or stickers on said items.

14. Find a small towel for washing with, wet it thoroughly with hot water and place a drop of soap, about a centimeter in diameter, on the towel.

15. Rub the towel against itself to work the soap into a foamy lather.

16. Use this towel to clean the plate and knife thoroughly, making sure to scrub off any debris.

17. Rinse the plate and knife with hot, pure water.

18. Find and use a dry towel to rub all the water off the plate and knife.  Also, dry your hands.

19. Place the knife on the counter with the blade parallel to the counter and the plate on the counter with the concave facing up.

20. Undo the twist tie on the bread bag and open the bag.

21. Flip down the first slice of the bread, also known as the heel.

22. Pull out the next two slices and lay them side by side flatly on the plate. Be sure that each slice is on the plate, not resting partially on the counter.

23. Grasp the outside of the jar of grape jam and unscrew the metal lid on the jar of grape jam, placing the lid on a nearby, unused area of the counter.

24. Tilt the jar until it is horizontal to the counter.

25. With the jar a couple centimeters from the bread and the end of the jar with the opening hovering over the middle of one of the two slices of bread on the plate, grab the knife with your other hand, being sure to hold onto the handle part.

26. Use the knife to pull out about a tablespoon of the jam, allowing it to drop onto the bread below it.

27. Place the jar back where you picked it up, screw the lid back onto the jar and release it from your grasp.

28. Gently spread the jam on the one side of the slice of bread using the knife in your hand.  Be sure to spread the jam to each edge.  When done, you should have a thin layer, about a millimeter, on the single side of bread.  Leave this slice where it rests for now.

29. Wipe the extra jam on the knife off on the other slice of bread.  Do this by laying the knife, blade parallel with the bread, across the length of the bread.  Gently press the knife down and pull it back.  Repeat this process to clean the other side of the knife.  Be sure to wipe each side of the knife off on a clean area of the bread slice.

30. Set the knife down, grasp the outside of the peanut butter jar with one hand and unscrew the lid, placing it on a nearby, unused area of the counter.  Remove, too, the paper cover on the jar.  To do so, find one of the tabs on the side and pull it up and back towards you.  If it doesn’t remove cleanly, pull all remaining bits of the paper off.

31. Pick the knife up again, being sure to hold onto the handle.

32. Hold the jar of peanut butter with your free hand to hold it steady, while you insert the knife into the peanut butter.  Angle the knife slightly to catch about a tablespoon and a half of peanut butter and pull the knife from the jar.

33. Release your grasp on the jar.

34. Drop the peanut butter on the knife onto the unused slice of bread and use the knife to spread the peanut butter on the one side of the bread.  This should be done the same way you did the jam and should provide similar results.

35. Use the same towel you used to clean the plate and knife earlier to clean the knife, again using hot water and soap.  Be sure to remove all debris from the knife.  Dry the knife and place it with the other knives in your utensil jar.

36. Screw the lid back onto the peanut butter.

37. Close the bread bag, ensuring that all slices are perpendicular to one another and use the twist tie to twist tie the bag in the same fashion as you opened it,.  Put the bread and peanut butter in your cupboard and the jam in your refrigerator.

38. Take the slice of bread with the jam and carefully turn it 180 degrees.  Place it on the slice with the peanut butter, ensuring that the peanut butter and jam touch one another and that the bread slices align perfectly.

39. Eat the sandwich in whatever way you eat.

Alternatively

40. Follow directions one through five listed above.

41. Ask for directions to the frozen foods section.

42. Move down the frozen aisles until you find the section containing boxes of Uncrustables.

43. Open the door and pull out one box of the peanut butter and grape jam Uncrustables.

44. Follow directions seven to eleven listed above.

45. Open the box on one side, pull out one of the plastic bags, close up the box and put the box in your freezer.

46. Set the plastic bag on the counter and go off to do whatever you want for three hours.

47. After three hours come back to the bag, open it on one side and remove the sandwich.

48. Eat and enjoy this much easier and quicker version of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

 *Note: I have been advised by some that is would be amusing to add that I, the author, cannot, in fact, eat peanuts or bread due to allergies. Somehow this is entertaining. I don't get it, but what do I know.

Superlatives

The best
The worst
The tallest
The shortest
The biggest
The smallest
The smartest
The dumbest
The most
The less

The they said

The

Rule

of

(the)

One

 

The Attempt

There is the attempt. That is how they say they tried. That is how the he before him and the him after he justfied their battle. It comes down to the attempt, which tells the they they did well. Because the I became the I in the third person. That I is her, that is the attempt they make.

The question is acceptable. Does she understand the shift? Is she aware? Need she be aware that she is no longer the I in the first person, but the I in the third person.

Eye

I before e except after c

I gegen eye

I spy with my little eye

eye or I

to be or not to be (to not be?)

to be not

I?

to be 

eye

 Aye, aye?

eye

Aye, aye

Yes sir, yes sir, 

three bags full

eye

eye before e except after c

Jack and Jill and Daniel and William and a chicken

Jack and Jill went over the hill because Daniel didn't know what to write. He wrote the Romeo and Juliet were incestuous lovers. William detested the reworking, but Daniel called it a re-mix with an unexpected twist.

Jill stumbled upon a bowl of cereal, complete with milk and spoon. Without thought, but with delight, she ate the bowl. William sent her across the road with the chicken because the bowl was his only meal for the day.

The chicken Jill killed because a bowl of cereal even with milk and spoon was not enough to sate her.

Lost soul

A lost soul wanders the halls here

Up and down the halls                                                                        (a lost soul here wanders)

Every day, dark and night                             (the halls up and down wanders here a lost soul)

The other day, I saw a baby bird and I imagined the moment he would be run over by a semi.

A friend, on this same day, said he knows how to not die. This, I suppose, is important.

But far more valuable, is to know how to die.

Harold is trying to take over the world

Harold is trying to take over the world and he’s being really, really persistent about it.  He tried doing it the other day through the internet, but I stopped him; unplugged him as soon as I found out.  It’s really kind of strange too ‘cause he’s really never shown any sort of inclination towards this sort of behavior.  

 He’s always been so calm and accommodating, but now he’s quite difficult to be around.  To be honest, he’s been a little bratty lately.  Why just yesterday I found him busy at work again and when I asked him what was up, he started throwing a fit.  Well, I being the totally un-rational and un-temperamental being that I am started yelling back and somehow, before I knew it, I was chasing him down the stairs and out the door.  

 Now I really don’t know how that happened, but there we where, him running down the street on his skinny, short little legs, his thin arms flailing in the air like some crazy cartoon creature and me, being much taller than him, running after him.  Despite my obvious advantage, I am quite embarrassed to say, I was never quite able to catch up to him.  

 I would care to blame the number of obstacles HE put in my way, such as the old lady on a bike who “just happened” to be strolling by at that moment and as you know you can’t very well knock over an old lady on a bike in any part of this world without facing serious consequences.  And then what about the flock of geese we ran through, which I was fine with until one “flew up” and smacked me clear in the face.  By the way, geese smell and taste terrible when they’re alive, dead, I’m sure is a completely different story.  

 The absolute last straw, however, was the group of kindergarteners on their way back from a field trip.  That was just plain ridiculous and totally planned.  At last our chase finally did end with me making a tackle that would have made any football fanatic proud despite the minor scratches that resulted from it.  So, with Harold in hand, I marched back to our room, quite annoyed to find that I was now a good couple miles from the dorm and without money to buy a ticket or my bus pass.  

 Harold, I decided as I walked back, fuming, was going to get it.  Only then, when I was yelling at the top of my lungs at Harold for the mess he’d gotten me into, did someone take notice.  But then I guess it is rather strange to be yelling so animatedly and vehemently at Harold ‘cause after all, he is only my Ipod.

Fred

Fred has finally returned, but she’s developed a new habit.  She smokes flour, says it tastes good, sends her to universe Q, where my friend is pope and rules benevolently.  Flour cigarettes do nothing more me but make my nose itch, which is aggravating because I can’t sneeze.  Have you ever dealt with a nose that itches, but produces nothing?  Fred’s very fun when she’s high flour and I get a lot done.  Flour does her good and she does me good because Fred is my imagination.

Hello Fred, thank you for returning.  Please don’t leave me again.  You do me well, make me happy, productive, imaginative.

Prism Being

The wall is blue, but I am not.  I am a rainbow, a prism.  Turn the wheel and every slice applies.  Yellow for pain; green for frustration; red for annoyance.  Anger is tan, sometimes teal.  What is happiness?  Happiness is nothingness.  Can nothingness exist?  What if nothingness is a fallacy, a ferocious fake?  Does that mean that happiness is too?  Does happiness exist?  Can it exist in a world of somethingness?  What is somethingness?  Something is nothing and nothing is something.  What does this mean for happiness?

First and Second

First lines taunt the writer.  They are ever elusive, hidden.  Start with the second.  Figure out the first later.  Move onto something else when the present task becomes too difficult.  Second follows first sentence.  Natural, orderly.  Irrefutable.  If no first sentence, second doesn’t know where to go.  Second become lost to the abyss.

ABC's

All Blue, Courageous, Dead, Erroneous, Fried, Gleeful, Half-witted Imbecile Just Knows Laughing Must Necessitate Opulent, Petulant, Quiet, Ripe, Snotty Tantrums Under Very Wide Xeroxed Yellow Zebras.

The Playground

Sleep and Creativity are playing together.  They get along swimmingly, except neither really can swim.  Creativity pushes Sleep on a swing because Sleep has short legs and can't get the proper movement to start the swing.  Sleep is not fond of the teeter-totter, but he gets on because Creativity likes it.  They conclude their day wtih the merry-go-round.  Each takes turns being the master, trying to get it going faster than the previous spin.

Burrell the Squirrel, Ted the Gnome and Grog the Frog

Yes indeed the squirrel teamed up with the frog, whose name was Grog.  The squirrel didn’t have a name because squirrels don’t have names, so Grog the frog called him Burrell the Squirrel because frogs like things to rhyme, especially Grog the Frog, and they’re not terribly original.  Not like the gnomes, who had all sorts of weird names like Ted and Fred and Frank.  There were no women.  Unlike dwarves, however, gnomes do not sprout out of the ground.  No, they fall from the sky and those who do not break upon impact are considered the lucky ones.  Now Burrell the Squirrel had a long lasting feud with Ted the gnome, but Ted was much smarter than Burrell for Burrell had run in front of the wrong car a couple summers ago.  After that he was never quite the same;  there were times that he thought he was a chicken with his head cut off.  That annoyed everyone the most.  However, they liked it when he thought he was a chipmunk because he’d tell funny jokes ‘cause everyone knows chipmunks are the funniest creatures on earth.  Grog the frog was smarter because he stayed away from cars, although he did jump on the windshield of one once, though he’d mistakenly eaten some bad mushrooms and thought the car was a giant lily pad.  It was not, it turned out, but the ride had been truly exhilarating.  Grog the frog’s plan was to trap Ted the gnome in a pile of melted peanut butter and marshmallow cream because he, unlike Burrell the squirrel, knew that gnomes loved melted peanut butter and marshmallow cream.  To Grog the frog’s delight, the ploy worked and soon they had Ted the gnome trapped in the peanut butter and marshmallow pile.  It didn’t work out too well for this was a time when Burrell the squirrel believed that he was a gnome named Geoffrey and claimed to have fought in the Fourth Crusade and well we all know how competent those Fourth Crusaders were.  Needless to say, Ted the gnome got away again, Grog the frog got mad and Burrell the squirrel now thinks he’s Clovis.  He’s hosting a party tonight, all relatives are invited.

Please come home

Where oh where has my creativity gone.  Where oh where could it be.  I need it back- I'll beg and plead if only you'll return.  My mind, I know, maybe chaotic and dreary from time to time, but I'm working on it.  I really need you back.  Please, creativity, come back home.

I deleted the whole page

I deleted the whole page.  It didn’t even mount a good defense or offense for that matter.  It said I sucked, so I said that it did and that it was crap.  After that, it went into the corner and I, like the coward I am, deleted it while its back was turned.  There was no blitzkrieg or kamikazes, just a cowardly use of the delete button.