An Alien's Guide to Making a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

What you need:

1 loaf of pre-sliced, pre-packaged, unopened, already baked whole wheat bread from a supermarket

1 unopened 12 ounce glass jar of grape jam

1 unopened 12 ounce plastic jar of creamy peanut butter

1 unopened package of dinner knives

1 dinner plate

What you need to do:

1. Learn English.  American English might be best as Normal is in the United States.

2. Use your alien navigation technology to find Normal, IL, Latitude 40° 30' 51.13"N, Longitude 88° 59' 26.27"W

3. Use your currency converter to get US dollars.  Earth banks will not be able to convert your money.

4. Use your transport device to put yourself at the location given in step two.

5. Ask for directions to the local grocery store and go to said store.

6. Take a cart in which to place your items.

7. Ask for directions of each item needed and go to said locations, placing the listed items in the cart.

8. Go to checkout.

9. Place items on belt to have cashier scan each item.

10. Pay the cashier for the items.  Give him/her either exact change or more than given total.  Reminder: Be sure to wait for receipt and change (if applicable).

11. Go back to your spacecraft with your purchases.

12. Go to your kitchen and place items on the counter right side up.

13. Remove the dinner knives and plate from their packaging.  This includes any cardboard, plastic or stickers on said items.

14. Find a small towel for washing with, wet it thoroughly with hot water and place a drop of soap, about a centimeter in diameter, on the towel.

15. Rub the towel against itself to work the soap into a foamy lather.

16. Use this towel to clean the plate and knife thoroughly, making sure to scrub off any debris.

17. Rinse the plate and knife with hot, pure water.

18. Find and use a dry towel to rub all the water off the plate and knife.  Also, dry your hands.

19. Place the knife on the counter with the blade parallel to the counter and the plate on the counter with the concave facing up.

20. Undo the twist tie on the bread bag and open the bag.

21. Flip down the first slice of the bread, also known as the heel.

22. Pull out the next two slices and lay them side by side flatly on the plate. Be sure that each slice is on the plate, not resting partially on the counter.

23. Grasp the outside of the jar of grape jam and unscrew the metal lid on the jar of grape jam, placing the lid on a nearby, unused area of the counter.

24. Tilt the jar until it is horizontal to the counter.

25. With the jar a couple centimeters from the bread and the end of the jar with the opening hovering over the middle of one of the two slices of bread on the plate, grab the knife with your other hand, being sure to hold onto the handle part.

26. Use the knife to pull out about a tablespoon of the jam, allowing it to drop onto the bread below it.

27. Place the jar back where you picked it up, screw the lid back onto the jar and release it from your grasp.

28. Gently spread the jam on the one side of the slice of bread using the knife in your hand.  Be sure to spread the jam to each edge.  When done, you should have a thin layer, about a millimeter, on the single side of bread.  Leave this slice where it rests for now.

29. Wipe the extra jam on the knife off on the other slice of bread.  Do this by laying the knife, blade parallel with the bread, across the length of the bread.  Gently press the knife down and pull it back.  Repeat this process to clean the other side of the knife.  Be sure to wipe each side of the knife off on a clean area of the bread slice.

30. Set the knife down, grasp the outside of the peanut butter jar with one hand and unscrew the lid, placing it on a nearby, unused area of the counter.  Remove, too, the paper cover on the jar.  To do so, find one of the tabs on the side and pull it up and back towards you.  If it doesn’t remove cleanly, pull all remaining bits of the paper off.

31. Pick the knife up again, being sure to hold onto the handle.

32. Hold the jar of peanut butter with your free hand to hold it steady, while you insert the knife into the peanut butter.  Angle the knife slightly to catch about a tablespoon and a half of peanut butter and pull the knife from the jar.

33. Release your grasp on the jar.

34. Drop the peanut butter on the knife onto the unused slice of bread and use the knife to spread the peanut butter on the one side of the bread.  This should be done the same way you did the jam and should provide similar results.

35. Use the same towel you used to clean the plate and knife earlier to clean the knife, again using hot water and soap.  Be sure to remove all debris from the knife.  Dry the knife and place it with the other knives in your utensil jar.

36. Screw the lid back onto the peanut butter.

37. Close the bread bag, ensuring that all slices are perpendicular to one another and use the twist tie to twist tie the bag in the same fashion as you opened it,.  Put the bread and peanut butter in your cupboard and the jam in your refrigerator.

38. Take the slice of bread with the jam and carefully turn it 180 degrees.  Place it on the slice with the peanut butter, ensuring that the peanut butter and jam touch one another and that the bread slices align perfectly.

39. Eat the sandwich in whatever way you eat.

Alternatively

40. Follow directions one through five listed above.

41. Ask for directions to the frozen foods section.

42. Move down the frozen aisles until you find the section containing boxes of Uncrustables.

43. Open the door and pull out one box of the peanut butter and grape jam Uncrustables.

44. Follow directions seven to eleven listed above.

45. Open the box on one side, pull out one of the plastic bags, close up the box and put the box in your freezer.

46. Set the plastic bag on the counter and go off to do whatever you want for three hours.

47. After three hours come back to the bag, open it on one side and remove the sandwich.

48. Eat and enjoy this much easier and quicker version of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

 *Note: I have been advised by some that is would be amusing to add that I, the author, cannot, in fact, eat peanuts or bread due to allergies. Somehow this is entertaining. I don't get it, but what do I know.